1. Information on your ex girlfriend that you don’t even know she knows
Listen, in a time of massive transparency in social media and constantly updating everyone about everything, we’re all internet creeps. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to discover who people once dated, all you have to do is scroll through Instagram long enough. Trust that she already knows stuff about your romantic history. She’s never going to admit it though, so instead, her best friend will just come over and they’ll lurk and check out photos from 2009.
2. The first time you say something really sweet or meaningful
She’s just so pumped you’re reciprocating her feelings that she has to share it with someone else she trusts. Bonus points if her best friend is also her roommate, meaning it’s almost like live dinner theater with your girlfriend reciting the cute text conversation you’re having in real time.
3. The annoying things you do
Nobody’s perfect (cue Hannah Montana), and even if she’s madly in love with you, there’s going to be stuff you do that aggravates your girlfriend. Big issues should be talked about, but that sort of gross noise you make when slurping soup or that you always say, “that’s funny” instead of laughing doesn’t really need to be something you two talk about. She doesn’t want you feeling attacked, because she really does adore you. She just needs to vent every and now and then to her girlfriend. She knows you’re probably doing it to, to some extent.
4. The first red flag
Red flags don’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t date someone, because if we’re looking at ourselves honestly, every human being has some sort of issue that could deem them undatable. But the first time your girlfriend felt even an iota of doubt about you, she immediately contacted her friend for advice/to be reassured the fact that you once said, “Nickelback isn’t actually that bad” isn’t grounds for calling the whole thing off.
5. That weird thing you do that she finds really sexy
Considering every fetish you can possible imagine exists out there, it’s not surprising that there will be something a little abnormal that your girlfriend finds attractive. Maybe she’s super turned on when you clear your throat, or something about when you wear turtlenecks really gets her motor running. Whatever that quirky thing is that gets her hot, she’s going to get drunk one night and tell her best friend. The night will be complete with uncomfortable giggling, and occasionally her BFF exclaiming, “I LIKE THAT TOO!”
6. What she really thinks of your family
Of course she adores your mother! No, seriously. She looooves your mom. Just don’t ask her best friend to confirm that.
7. What she really thinks of your friends
Yeah, they’re all cool. It’s all good. Go to Vegas with the boys! Meanwhile, she’s complaining to her best friend how much of a tool your bud Joey is.
8. That she’s on her period
Personally, I don’t think you should ever be uncomfortable or ashamed of it being your time of the month. It’s bad enough we bleed, and want to die from pain 3-6 days out of the month, but we’re also supposed to act embarrassed and hide what Mother Nature has bestowed upon us. Yeah, I’m going to the bathroom to change my tampon, WHAT OF IT, SON?!? But for more conservative folks, she’s going to make up excuses as to why you aren’t going to hook up that night. There’s a text somewhere in her phone to her best friend that says, “Shit! I got my period tonight. Welp, there goes tonight.”
9. Everything she’s too afraid to tell you
The hopes. The dreams. The massive heaviness of feeling like every time she sees you, she’s about to burst and shout, “I think I might love you!!!!” Her best friend is a sounding board for all of her gooey, sentimental feelings and thoughts that she’s too nervous to tell you just yet.
10. When she’s going to have sex with you
Guaranteed her best friend knows exactly when it’s about to go down for the first time before you do. She’s likely sent her BFF a text 12-24 hours prior to getting down and dirty to say, “Totally going to bone town with the New Guy soon. Keep you posted.”
11. A manifesto on your penis
I know, I know. This is such an invasion of your privacy, but it’s not as if you and your buddies aren’t chatting it up about our breast sizes or who’s dating the girl who claims, “she LOVES to swallow.” You can believe that her best friend knows all about your Johnson: the overall size, whether or not you are circumcised, do you lean left, etc.
12. How you compare to other men she’s been intimate with
Again, sorry about the lack of privacy on this one, but her best friend has probably seen her through other relationships. Comparisons are going to be made at some point, there’s no way around it.
13. The hot thing you did in bed
This is half bragging that she’s landed such a stud muffin, half tipping off her friend about this new move, because nothing says friendship like wanting your bestie to also experience pleasure.
14. When you do something that really hurts her
This is somewhat tricky. All humans hurt each other from time to time. It doesn’t make anyone a villain, it just means you’re in fact, human. But the first time you say something or do something that really upsets your girlfriend, she’s going to seek comfort and reassurance from the person who knows her best. The problem here is that though she will probably forgive you, her best friend will always remember the night she held your hysterically sobbing girlfriend.
15. The “I love you”
Play by play, your girlfriend has practically written an entire feature-length script describing the first time you both drop the L bomb. She’s going to tell the story more than once (more than twice) with a somewhat glazed over dreamy look in her eyes. This is a moment girls live for- no, not the I love you part, the reliving the moment and seeing her best friend’s reaction. Okay, maybe the whole actually being in love part trumps hearing her gal pal squeal in delight….just a little.
By Ari Eastman